The Truth about Marketing People, Les Vins De Bordeaux and The Fear of a Small Cock (Part 1)

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A touch of paranoia?

I saw this almost incomprehensible vignette scrawled on an ad for Les Vins De Bordeaux at Lewisham station this morning, and all I can say is, why the hell didn’t someone tell me sooner?!

MARKETING PEOPLE EMPLOY NEW AGE SPOOKS TO HARASS PEOPLE FOR MONEY ARMY POLICE UNDERCOVER AMBULANCE AND FIREMAN DRIVERS ALL PART OF THE SAME TEAM HARASSING PEOPLE ON BENEFITS USING GADGETS THAT USE MICROWAVES

Gadgets that use microwaves?! Sign me up! And the chance to control a secret army of undercover fireman drivers? It’s like all my childhood dreams coming true at once…

This little outpouring of rage against the man (who is right now sitting in his plush leather spinning chair stroking a white cat, manaically laughing while he plays human Lemmings with his personal army of ambulance drivers, the bastard) was attached to an ad for Les Vins De Bordeaux, which contains one of the most base appeals I’ve seen recently for custom…

bordeaux-ad

Wine + Girl = Sex.

Here’s how I imagine the process went down (assuming of course, that this ad was produced by an agency and not a 13 year old boy with a crusty copy of FHM)…

Account Manager: Right, so, yeah, we’ve got this new business in right? It’s for wine, some French shit, you know?

Planner: Ok, cool, so what’s the gig?

AM: Well, they want to sell more, you know, and they’re French, so think sexy, sophisticated, that kind of thing…

(Account Man leaves, a few days pass, he returns)

AM: So what have you got for me?

P: Well I’ve been looking at these figures, and really thinking about wine, and I’ve come up with a gap in the market, somewhere we can really push into. It’s good. And I know I say this every time, but seriously, it’s good.

AM: Hit me.

P: Well women, they’ve already got this wine business down – they know what they like, why they like it, same as us with lager.

AM: Ok, I see, wine, lager, I like it, keep it coming.

P: But guys don’t know crap about wine do they? All they know is it gets them hammered, and that, wait for it…girls like it…

AM: Amazing

P: So you know how guys recently have been getting fancy in the kitchen, since girls started creaming themselves over Gordon Ramsay , using cooking as a pulling tool?

AM: Yeah I read that in the London Lite too…

P: Well what if we use wine like that? You know, say that it’s not enough any more just to cook a girl a meal, you’ve gotta have a Jamie Oliver cook book out on the side when you do it? But with wine obviously.

AM: You’re a genius, I mean, she’s not gonna have sex with a Jacob’s Creek guy is she? She’s sophisticated.

P: Exactly. We’ve just gotta make it a little bit, you know…

AM: Less blatant?

P: Yeah, so I was thinking of doing it…

AM: From the woman’s perspective!

P: Exactly, so it rams it home even more. That says ‘guys, women are really thinking about this stuff nowadays, you can’t just give her any old shite and expect a cheeky shag, there’s a war going on out there and you’d better measure up!’

AM: Mmmm, yeah, I like that, the fear angle…

P: ‘It doesn’t matter that you’ve got nothing going for you, when she sees that bottle, BAM! That’ll make up for your little flaws, your scruffy clothes, your buddha belly, your tiny cock…’

AM: And it’s perfect because…

P: Once she’s actually drunk a few bottles of the stuff, she might forget about the fact that you’ll never satisfy her sexually and, you know, fall in love with you or some shit. Pheromones or something, I dunno.

AM: Brilliant, type it up for me and I’ll get it to creative.

P: Awesome.

bordeaux-ad-2

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